Distorted Perception

I don’t have a stable mental image of myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror or at a photo and my perception fragments. I might feel fine and other times my brain catastrophizes, making me feel like I look terrible. I often forget my own physical presence, so I feel small and insubstantial in my mind even though I’m short and over weight with fat on my arms and belly. Later, with some temporal distance, I can perceive myself more objectively and even see beauty, but in the moment the experience is disorienting. My friends try to reassure me and tell me I’m pretty, but sometimes it feels like a lie. I don’t equate beauty with worth. I know my value isn’t just in how I look, but that doesn’t stop my perception from feeling skewed in the moment. It’s a shifting, fluid perception of self that can feel almost derealized at times.